Stepmothers don’t have the best reputation — thanks in no small part to our wicked fairytale counterparts.
And when it comes to being a stepmum, there are no clear rules, very little advice and few good role models.
As a chartered psychologist, I became fascinated by stepfamily dynamics when I moved in with my now-husband, happily hoping to form a family with my two young children and his little boy.
I confess I was shocked to find my new role to be far more difficult than I imagined.
This inspired me to conduct research into the dynamics of blended families and to write a book, How To Be A Happy Stepmum, in a bid to share my observations and findings with other women in my position.
With nearly a third of British households now including stepchildren, we stepmums need all the advice and support we can get!
One concern that frequently crops up is navigating the tricky issue of bonding with your partner’s children.
Get that dynamic wrong and you could be in for a world of pain.
Follow my expert advice, however, and you’ll open the door to wonderfully fulfilling relationships with your partner’s children that will stand the test of time.
TAKING THINGS SLOWLY
Research shows it can take four to seven years for everyone to find their happy place in a blended family — and the children will usually be the last to come around.
You and your partner might have been absolutely sure of your decision to be together from the start, but children will often struggle to understand the feelings between you.
They might be grieving the perceived loss of their previous life or resent the new woman taking their beloved mother’s place. If you go rushing in expecting their full support from the off, you might be waiting a long time.
DON’T EXPECT TO LOVE THEM
It is a common myth that you will automatically love your stepchildren. It’s uncomfortable to admit, but sadly this isn’t the reality.
And don’t expect them to love you, either.
In fact, the best you can hope for is that they like you. Count those little marks of respect and appreciation (“hello” and “thank you”) as a small win.
As you build trust, feelings of mutual love will grow.
DON’T TRY TO BE A ‘SUPER STEP MUM’
If you go overboard with gifts, attention or Stepford Wife-style baking marathons, your efforts are unlikely to be rewarded.
Children expect adults to look after them and rarely show the gratitude step-parents expect.
This can be incredibly demoralising for you, and if you lose heart and stop making any effort at all the children can become very confused by your flip-flopping attentions.
Instead, dial down your efforts and your aspirations.
If the stepchildren are younger, think of yourself as an aunt or godmother figure. If they’re older and you don’t have any parenting experience, think of yourself (initially) as a friend to them.
The last thing any teenager wants is another parent, so try saying: “You have a mum and dad and you have me as well, as an extra person who cares about you.”
Find something to share
Aim to spend a little time with each child individually — just the two of you, without your partner. That might mean watching endless episodes of Dr Who together, taking a regular Saturday morning trip to a coffee shop or making a vegetable patch in the garden.
Creating a regular activity that links you with the child allows you both to gently bond and become at ease with each other.
Children will usually defer to their biological parent but if you are the only adult on hand during these sessions they are likely to be nicer to you, and your relationship should improve.
One bedtime for all
If you’re trying to blend your own children with your partner’s children you must sit down and agree on shared rules and boundaries (bedtimes, control of the TV remote, sitting at the table for meals etc).
There’s nothing more likely to breed resentment than the perception that some are being treated more favourably than others.
DON’T CRITICISE THEIR MOTHER
You might feel jealousy towards the children’s mother, resentful if she doesn’t recognise your involvement or even angry at her perceived failings, but keep all negative feelings to yourself (or between you and your partner).
Quizzing the children about their “other life” can create tension that can put any bond under strain.
They need to feel comfortable, not interrogated. Your job is to provide a safe space where you can grow your relationship with your partner and his children.
SPEND TIME APART
It is understandable to want to throw yourself into family life, but stepfamilies can be stressful to navigate. Try to build some time away to reset your batteries and give yourself back a sense of control.
Just being able to pop out to the gym, grab a coffee with a friend, or sit on your own to read or watch TV can help protect you from becoming overwhelmed.
Without a break, stress levels can mount, leading to resentment that could impact your ability to bond.
